As parents we want to see our children happy. When you are then faced with an unhappy child whenever you need to leave them alone, whether to step out of the room, or drop them at daycare, can be very stressful for both you and your child.
We took a look at separation anxiety to help navigate those goodbyes better.
Separation Anxiety in Babies, Toddlers & Children: A Parent’s Guide to Comforting Goodbyes
Separation anxiety is one of the most normal-and emotional-parts of parenting. Whether your baby cries when you leave the room, your toddler clings at preschool drop-off, or your older child suddenly doesn’t want to sleep over at a friend’s house, separation anxiety can tug at both your heartstrings and your patience.
But rest assured: this phase is a sign of strong attachment, not a problem with your child or your parenting. With a little insight and the right strategies, you can help your child navigate these tough goodbyes – and build their confidence in the process.
What Is Separation Anxiety?
Separation anxiety is the distress a child feels when separated from their primary caregiver-usually a parent. It’s part of normal development and typically begins in infancy, peaks in toddlerhood, and can occasionally resurface later during transitions or stress.
Common Age Ranges:
- Babies (6-12 months): Begin to realise mom or dad exists even when out of sight (called object permanence), but don’t yet understand they’ll come back.
- Toddlers (1-3 years): May cry, cling, or resist being left with others. This age brings strong attachment but immature emotional control.
- Older Children (4-8 years+): May experience fears around school, sleepovers, or new environments-especially during transitions like moving or parental separation.
Why Does It Happen?
According to child psychologists, separation anxiety is a developmental milestone – not a behavioural problem. It shows that your child is forming healthy emotional bonds.
However, it can be exacerbated by:
- Sudden changes (e.g., new school, moving house, new sibling)
- Parental stress (children often absorb your emotional tone)
- Lack of preparation before transitions
What Parents Can Do to Ease Separation Anxiety
1. Practice Short Separations
Start with brief periods apart to build your child’s confidence. For babies, even stepping into another room helps them learn you’ll return.
2. Always Say Goodbye
Sneaking out can increase anxiety. A calm, consistent “bye-bye” routine reassures your child you’ll be back.
3. Create a Goodbye Ritual
A special hug, high five, or a “magic kiss” in their pocket can give kids a sense of control and comfort.
4. Stay Calm and Confident
Your child takes emotional cues from you. Stay upbeat, even if they’re upset – they’ll eventually mirror your calm.
5. Offer a Comfort Object
A beloved toy, blanket, or family photo can ease the transition for younger kids.
6. Use Visual Aids
A family photo wall or visual schedule can help toddlers and preschoolers better understand routines and when you’ll return.
Expert-Backed Pro Tips
“Name the feeling.”
“Helping your child label what they’re feeling-‘I think you’re sad because I’m leaving’-teaches emotional literacy and regulation.”
– Dr. Laura Markham, Clinical Psychologist
“Gradual exposure works.”
“Let your child experience small, low-stress separations and gradually increase the length as they get comfortable.”
– Dr. Tanya Byron, Clinical Psychologist
“Tell them when, not just that, you’ll be back.”
“Instead of saying ‘I’ll be back later,’ try ‘I’ll be back after your snack’ or ‘after nap time’ to give a concrete reference point.”
– Janet Lansbury, Parenting Educator
“Avoid long, drawn-out goodbyes.”
Quick, confident goodbyes are more reassuring than lingering and hesitation, which can increase your child’s uncertainty.
When to Seek Extra Help
While separation anxiety is common, if it:
- Lasts longer than expected
- Is severe and affects daily life (school refusal, panic attacks)
- Is accompanied by physical symptoms (vomiting, headaches)
…it might be time to talk to your paediatrician, child psychologist, or school counsellor. In rare cases, ongoing separation distress may indicate Separation Anxiety Disorder, which is treatable with therapy.
Separation anxiety can feel tough – for both you and your child. But it’s also an opportunity to build trust, resilience, and emotional growth. With empathy, consistency, and a few helpful tools, your child will learn that goodbyes aren’t forever – and that they can be okay, even when you’re apart.
Recommended Resources:
www.sadag.org – The South African Depression and Anxiety Group (for parental or child anxiety concerns)
“Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids” – Dr. Laura Markham
“Your Self-Confident Baby” – Magda Gerber & Allison Johnson
www.ahaparenting.com – Emotion coaching and practical parenting tips
www.sadag.org – The South African Depression and Anxiety Group (for parental or child anxiety concerns)
