Frederick van Wyk 27 January 2009 – When I had a busy psychology practice, I often wished I could share “my secrets” with more people – the everyday person on the street. I felt there was so much work to do, and I could only be with one person one hour at a time. I started thinking about how healing agents could reach more people. Teaching normal people, who don’t have many degrees behind them, was the solution.
Our greatest challenge as the human race, is to raise healthy, well adjusted children who are reaching their God-given potential. It is not to build the fastest computer, sell the most cars, or get the most awards. But we make our most mistakes in the area of our highest challenge. As the saying goes, your child did not come with a manual. BUT…
There is a way to raise your child well, to see to it that he is well-adjusted, and to help him reach his highest goal. This way is also a generous one – a way where I, as healing agent, can share “my secrets” with parents and so help more people at any given time.
It is called Child Parent Relationship Therapy. The name implies that you as a parent get to foster a healing relationship with your child on a day to day basis. You as a parent gets to see what upsets your child, and what is happening in his/her inner world. And as you become aware of these matters, you help create the environment for your child to grow and overcome.
Psychologists working with children, have been using playing therapy, specifically non-directive play therapy, to help kids communicate the feelings they don’t understand or find hard to express verbally. Under certain conditions, a child can show a knowledgable person, many of the reasons for his “bad behavior”, like bedwetting, soiling, aggression, bullying, fears, depressions, poor school performance, and “disobedience”. And he will do it through play.
This implies that your child’s play, under certain conditions, is a diagnositic tool to what bothers him. But it is also a healing tool. Through play, under those certain conditions, a child will find a solution for the problem that he experiences. This solution that he discovers, is his answer to the problem and not that of the adult observing him play. Because it is the child’s answer, it is an effective one. The answer comes from inside of the child, and not from the outside.
I have often stood in awe of the power of non-directive play therapy. The reduction of the child’s symptoms are remarkable as the sessions proceed. Child Parent Relationship Therapy is the sharing of these “secrets” with parents, the child’s primary caregivers. And it is an answer to my wish in days when the work out there seemed much, and the hours in a day few. Research has proven that motivated parents can be just as effective as play therapists using play therapy skills with their own children, with as little as 20 hours of Child-Parent-Relationship (C-P-R) training.
Some of the benefits of C-P-R trainng are that a parent will regain control, it will help the child develop self-control, it teaches effective discipline skills to the parent, it helps the parent understand the child’s emotional needs. C-P-R provides parents with the keys to enhancing and strengthening the parent-child bond and having fun with their child. It also helps with enhancing the marital bond where a difficult child caused the couple to experience strain in their marriage.
A parenting tool that is often not used, is LISTENING attentively to a child. Coupled with this is to look at our child carefully as he speaks. Their tone of voice and other non-verbal clues say much of what they experience. Through play the child feels safe saying what is bothering him. Yet our judgments and the “parent role” we assume sometimes stop that flow of expression. Discerning when to let a child “speak” and be, and when to be corrective, is wisdom. Following a child’s process in play, teaches a child that his parent understands him and cares what happens to him.
A helpful tool is limit setting. A child feels safe within boundaries. Parents often think that setting limits, will inhibit a child’s growth. Yet, when it is done correctly and in a balanced way, a child will flourish in that safety and security. Giving the child a choice when he cannot “be” within these limits, is a powerful way of bringing him back within those boundaries – without force or control. Setting limits and giving choices, are skills we have to learn as parents. It takes practice.
How to be with a child, as he plays, is the focus of C-P-R therapy. Once a parent perfects this art, he will never unlearn it. And it will always be to the benefit of the child. The abovementioned skills, and many others, will help a child to develop self esteem and a sense of autonomy, that will serve him well for the rest of his life.
C-P-R training works well with parents who have children under the age of 12. The training usually takes place over a period of 10 weeks, two hours a time. The training group consists of 6-10 parent couples or single parents. The weekly meeting time is determined by the parents attending the first meeting. This training costs R3000 per couple and is paid in cash on the first session. These fees can be deducted from medical aids.
If you are interested in doing C-P-R training, contact a psychologist of play therapist in your area who offers it, and enroll. C-P-R training is also called Filial therapy.
Frederick van Wyk is a Child Psychologist at Global Care Hospital in Abu Dhabi. He was our resident expert when the site was launched in 2008 and his insights are as valid as ever.
