Julie Hall
I found out that I was pregnant on the 25th of March 2008. I should have been excited, but instead I was shocked as I had spent the previous months coming to terms with the fact that I may not be able to have children at all.
At the age of 33 I entered the world of fertility treatment and luckily managed to conceive after three timed cycles. My pregnancy went by quickly and without complications. I was determined to have a natural birth so that I could feel as if some part of the process of having a child would be normal and natural. I woke up on the morning of the 28th of November 2008 at 01h11 in active labour 10 days before my due date. Neil rushed me through to the hospital. My doctor got there in record time and decided it was best for our baby to be delivered immediately as he wasn’t engaged at all and there was fear of cord prolapse and so our beautiful baby boy was born at 04h16 that very morning. About an hour after his birth and during my first feed, I started feeling really strange. The midwife was called to my room and she immediately called my doctor. I didn’t realize I had been bleeding so badly as I was still numb from the spinal. It was only when they started massaging my abdomen that I realized what was happening. My uterus wasn’t contracting at all. My doctor arrived and administered the various drugs. The situation was tense and I remember trying to stay calm for Neil and our baby who were still in the room and for the doctor and nurses present. My doctor eventually booked the theatre and I was taken in to have the bleeding stopped.
I awoke a lot later and was told by the very kind anesthetist that he was sorry, but that I had lost my uterus. Neil had been called by my doctor to the theatre during the surgery and told that the only option he had left to save me was to perform an emergency hysterectomy and that it could still go either way. What was supposed to be a day of celebration ended with me in high care. I recovered well after the surgery and blood transfusion and baby Dylan was brought to me in high care to be fed. Dylan and I were well taken care of and after 5 days we could go home.
Initially I felt good and strong and was well supported by the many caregivers. I managed to take good care of Dylan, but after a couple of weeks things took a turn for the worse. I couldn’t sleep at all. I couldn’t eat. All I could think of was that morning. I felt as if nobody understood what I was going through. The arrival my baby was overshadowed by what had happened. I was so busy trying to deal with the trauma, I lost myself entirely. I loved Dylan, but I didn’t feel as if he belonged to me. I didn’t feel like a mom.
At my six week consult with my doctor I sat there wondering if I should mention what I was feeling. Do I or don’t I. I decided to tell him that I was having a hard time. I could immediately see the relief on his face. He told me that he was still shocked by what had happened. He made me feel as if I had a right to feel the way I did. He recommended I see someone. It is almost six months later and I am almost whole again. It has been the hardest six months of my life, but I would not change a single second of it. I have learned to embrace every minute of life. I know that Dylan will be my only child and knowing this enables me to enjoy him even more.
I think back to that day not with anger or despair, but with warmth now. I think about Dr Atzl and his team who were kind and incredible and who saved my life. I think about the sisters in the high care and maternity ward who were so caring and kind to Dylan and I. I think about Jean who made sure I had whatever I wanted to eat and who had such a lovely smile on her face all the time. I think about the breastfeeding consultant who arranged to have Dylan brought to me in high care even though it was against hospital policy. I think about how incredible Neil was with Dylan right from the start. I think about my friends and family . I think about all of the above and realize how fortunate I am. Mostly I think about how wonderful it is to be Julie, Dylan’s mom.
